2006-08-10

all over the place @ 9:02 p.m.

But about what? For some reason, I feel like I'm just..pulsating.

I am alive. I am energy. I flow and ebb in response to my surroundings.
Respsonse is contradictory to energy. But that is who I am.
I am caught up. I fly with it. I writhe twist and become.
Excitement.

I am still. I am peace. Gravity holds me.
I watch. I wait. I listen. I observe.
I take it all in.

I make a selection. I make a choice.
Controlled chaos sparks.

I am.

I was very much put out with FBL. She has a history of saying she'll show and then doesn't for whatever reason, usually having something to do with her family or her own hermitude. Whatever, I am fed up and had been talking to Man Unit about approaching it with her. But the door of opportunity swung wide today. we had the following email discourse.

Here's what's going on in my head this morning.
I could use a nice little fling. You know someone to meet me in New Mexico, be great company, fabulous conversation and perhaps a little fun.

So all I really want is a little attention--when I ask for it--then I want that person to go away. Not permanently. Just to their own space wherever that is, doing whatever it is that they do that makes them so interesting when we get together. No strings--no leave that other life for me--

Is that too much to ask.

hello, Miss all-talk-and-no-action. You want an FWB, plain and simple.

-thinks- Or is this what you want from everyone in your life? Be fabulous and then go away?

Just thinking out loud this morning.

Hold up--
What's a FWB?
and
What's with "Or is this what you want from everyone in your life? Be fabulous and then go away?"

You don't think that's how I feel about you....do you?
Have I been neglectful?

Friend With Benefits.

And since you're asking, yes. Yes, I do. And from my viewpoint, yes. Yes, you have.

See, it's like this. I know you have a life that is consumed by family. I know this. I respect it. I would not expect you to forsake that for friends. About a year ago, I made a promise to myself. I was tired of being the friend that people could bail on because I was the one that wouldn't mind. As in, "oh, I know DMel won't mind, she'll be fine, she always is." I was tired of being the one to always say "oh, it's okay, don't worry about it, I know whatever kept you from your commitment with me was more important." But as I get older, it's mattering more. The few close friends I have, I want to keep close. And those relationships feel like family to me. Because of how my blood family turned out. So I swore to myself that I would start speaking up. Developing a backbone in my relationships. Speaking up and stop lying and saying "it's okay" when it's not okay. When my feelings are hurt. With everyone. Man Unit's noticed it. Most recent example: I was sort of lost downtown Monday evening and I called him to help me find my way home because I felt like I was about to have a gastronomical emergency and needed a fast way. He wasn't helping fast enough (he said "hold on, let me get out of game") and I snapped at him that I didn't have that kind of time. He got snappish with me back and I literally roared at him that he did NOT get to be snappish with me because I was the one in trouble, not him; I was the only one allowed to be cranky and holler. He shut up and tried to help, which was all I wanted or needed in the first place, not someone being cranky with me when my guts were cramping so badly I was panting.

Point is, there's not enough life left for me to be a doormat. I have big love for you and yours. But you keep mashing my feelers.

Oh DMel. I'm so sorry.
Please forgive, me.
I've been so self absorbed that I haven't seen anything around me. When I broke our last commitment and settled for the Asia thing--the 8 year old thing-- (time with her daughter) I was only thinking of myself and perhaps not subjecting you to me but that was still about me..... I didn't think of your needs at all.
I'm so sorry.
And I know that's not the only time, and maybe not even the most recent.
And while it has never been my intension, I have been neglectful.
Thank you for tell me.
I love you too much to be the one mashing your feelers.

May I ask you for the opportunity to be a better friend?

You may. Stop making me all verklempt at work.

You know I have to share--I've been in tears since you sent your message.

Fucked her up so badly she forgot how to spell. Wasn't my intention, but I'm glad we got it out there.

Carry on.