2006-06-08

don't help me @ 10:32 p.m.

And now for the downer.

I did not want to call my mother. Not at all. Because I know the woman and I knew what I was going to hear. She's always telling me how all I have to do is ask her for her help. If I ever need help just tell her. "How can I help?" she asks. I always tell her know. "Help" in my family means money. But my mother comes from a very old school where 20 bucks is a lot. So I always say no thanks. But this time I needed her help. Really needed it. To the point that since the firm's not providing relo assistance, I needed her help to move as in there's no other way it can happen. While I'll get a big chunk of change from the institute due to accrued vacation and sick time, it won't come until my last check which would be well into July, far too late to get us down to ATL. So I asked. Told her that I wouldn't ask unless there was no other way. She seemed to understand. Asked me how much and I told her it would take 5k. The house deposit is 1100 alone to hold it then another 1100 plus 300 pet deposit to close the deal. Then there's the Penske truck and the packers/unpackers. Which will run us another 2k all told at least, nevermind the bills and the deposits I know we'll have to cough up to start services in ATL because our credit's so bad now. So yeah. That was Tuesday.

So tonight she tells me that she's "just been so busy that I haven't had time to sit down and look at things; haven't even had time to look in the direction of the bank at all" she exclaims. I fall silent and listen to her talk about paying her bills, how she sat down and wrote "$300 worth of bills just yesterday!" I don't mention how my entire check will be gone in two days and we haven't even shopped for food yet. I listen to her talk about how it's so hard to get her insurance carriers to pay for her medical bills. I don't mention how I'm going to lose the house if I don't send the deposit next week. Or how the phone rings constantly every day. Or how I get threatening calls at work that my secretary asks about because the calls bounce to her when I can't or don't answer. I don't say any of this because it would mean nothing to her and she wouldn't hear me anyway.

I say in a small voice that I'll lose the house if I can't send a deposit next week. She "mm-hmms" like she understands but she doesn't. "I'll do the best I can" she says, "but you know..." "We'll be praying for you" she says.

I hang up. And go upstairs to explore the possibility of the citifinancial mafia giving us a loan where the interest is half the amount.

because there is no other way. and if it can't happen this way...i don't know what else to do.

i just want to cry.

i don't ever want to hear her say that she'll help me again.