2006-05-07

pointless wanderings @ 11:05 a.m.

In my mind's eye I see myself telling the program admin assistant who schedules these types of things for us

We'll need to cancel that. No sense in the program paying for a class for an employee who won't be around much longer; wouldn't be fair.

I look at how the meetings for the products I'm developing for the grant are scheduled. In my mind's eye I see the following exchange

Funder Guy: How will you plan for the completion of the digital library and practice exchange?

Me: -shrugs- Beats me. No longer my problem. Good luck with that.

There was a time when I was certain that since my fling with the CDC didn't come to fruition, I'd be around to finish the grant work. With all the hellishness that's transpired (and still happening), I really could not care less about the project if I tried. Really hard. I want to walk away and leave them in a lurch. I want them to panic. I suppose that I'm dreaming if I think that I'm that important to the work that we're doing, or to think that the state funder folk believe that I'm that vital, but I can dream, can't I? I want to believe that an announcement of my impending departure will cause a flurry. I happily envision my refusal to make things easy for them. I want them to see that the easy transition they experienced between FBL's departure and my stepping in was an extraordinary thing that will not-cannot-happen again. That it was a lightning strike of luck for them.

Talked to HH a couple of days ago and his departure and the events leading up to it are still fresh enough in his mind that he can be very empathetic with me. He gave about a month's notice and took a couple of week's vacation time during that so they wouldn't have to pay out that time to him. I, OTOH, cannot afford to give that cash back because I'll need it for the move I hope will be imminent. He agreed that in my situation, the institute deserved no more that 2 weeks, considering what I've been through. So if upon my return I find that I will not be long for that world, I will hold it close until the 2 week mark. Very close. Poor J (my research assistant) has borne the brunt of my wigging out about this, much as I did for FBL and HH in their closing days. She is as close-mouthed as I was and lord knows, I appreciate it. But for some reason I feel that if I am made an offer...given the golden ticket, I will keep it close, even from her.

I don't want to jinx this. I do not want to fuck it up. A couple of very nifty things happened last week that if I believed in real luck or srendipity or whatever would lead me to believe that this will play out the way I'd reeeeeeeeeeeally like it to.

1) My legal research prof (the same who is assoc. director of the law liberry) sat down at my filing table Wednesday AM and proceeded to offer me her services as a listening ear if I needed an audience for my "shop talk" as she put it, or to bandy about the competencies for legal research. Since this isn't an academic library interview (and since they haven't indicated any different) I don't believe a presentation will be required. But I jumped at the chance to sit with her again to referesh my memory on the concepts. Scheduled it for the week after I'll have returned from the conference/meeting in NOLA.

2) I found my fairy godperson. They know who they are and I cannot thank them enough.

Now, if I could just find a way to update my wardrobe, I'd be set. As it is, I'll have to cobble together two professional outfits from my current stock, which I can do, it's just that I've worked in a business causal setting for the last 6 years and I don't have any snazzy expensive looking suits in my repertoire. In a perfect world, I'd run out to a casual corner or august max woman and pick a suit. In an even more perfect world, I'd have something tailor made.

Something like this in tobacco. I look like the sta-puff man in that much white.

Or this, in flax.

This in black would be ideal.

As long as I'm on a dream shopping spree, I'd need new shoes, of course.

These in black leather and brown snakeskin.

I'd fly in this (not that hideous jacket, just the dress).

These in black and brown croc. These with abovementioned dress in black for the plane.

Hey, all of that only comes to about $550 without taxes and shipping! I'm a cheap date! -eyeroll- Jeebus, that's just about what my share of the interview lodging will run me. Okay, I'm making myself sick with all this. I should go and do something productive, like staring at the newest grey hairs I've acquired in the last six months.