2006-09-21

up-to-date @ 10:40 p.m.

I don't know where I fit in. Here, in real life.

I am melancholy today, perhaps because I am premenstrual, but I spent today with my mad face on, paranoid and thinking that everyone I see is having some random thought about me with the same strain..."what is up with that strange woman?"

I have less and less in common with the world at large these days, it would seem. I don't even have anything in common with my husband anymore. He games all the time and that's all he wants to talk about. Since there isn't anything else, it makes me glaze over and all I can think is why can't you pour all this energy into finding a fucking job?

I feel like I'm wasting away before i can find the verdant shores.

Not like the queer people. Not like the straight people. Not like the black people. Not like the white people. Not like the women. Not like the men. Not like anything I am or have been. Not like that which I represent or am interested in.

Not like them.

Receding. Withdrawing. Finding it harder and harder to get out and make the effort. Easy when I'm around the right people, but only face to face or with unlimited time to talk on the phone. Had an absolutely wonderful time being girl with MK last week when she was in town. Then she was gone. Talked to Jess for a couple of hours last night and felt alive and good. Then it was over. Back to trying to get my husband to come away from the computer and fall asleep with me. My time with FBL is always limited. No one has time for me. Am I that much more needy than I used to be? Or is it that I simply have fewer vessels from which to draw?

I feel alone in this wash of life. Don't worry, I'm not going to start cutting myself. Sorry. A lame stab at humor. Oh look, another one. Even my humor suffers here.

I feel dark. I am lonely.

In better news, I discovered that my first-ever check for consultant work has been cut and is on its way to me as we speak. This means that we will finally be able to buy a couch, halle-fucking-lujah! Months have gone by spending hours parked in kitchen table chairs watching DVDs. Man Unit does not have enough natural padding to make this comfy for long stretches. The Freak Unit is forever pathetic and upset that she cannot join us, all 60+ pounds of her smashed in between. Felines have nowhere to perch arrogantly. I cannot cuddle. It sucks, but no more! So. Where should we go? IKEA? Rooms-To-Go? I don't want to spend all the money in one place, the rest of it is due to pay bills and personal loans made to get my ass down here. Any suggestions?